"What you need is a date night.”

Ah, the sound of modern marriage advice. The "date night” has become a darling in recent years, a panacea for any and all potential marriage woes. Apparently, there is nothing that can't be solved by dinner at a restaurant and a movie every other week of so.

Of course, we know it's not so simple. Date nights are great, I'd encourage any couple to have them as frequently as possible! Just don't get confused and start thinking these simple gestures are the cornerstone for a solid marriage.

Marriage is about the day-to-day stuff.  It's about being there for each other from the time the sun comes up in the morning, to when it goes down at night, each and every day. It's about trust and communication. About living together and facing the world as a unified team. It's the long-haul that makes a marriage strong, not the showy, momentary pleasures. 

Don't under-appreciate the romance and thrill of normal, everyday life. Marriage doesn't happen in a booth, and you don't need a menu to have good conversation. Celebrate and cherish the time you spent together in your "normal” day-to-day lives; it's more precious and unique than any dinner and a movie could be.

The problem with this sort of pat relationship advice is that it can cause more harm than good when accepted at face value. For one, it can encourage couples to avoid fixing the real problems in their relationship by focusing on superficial distractions. Who cares if you had another screaming match before going to work in the morning, tonight is date night! That will make everything better, right? (Nope.)

Date nights and special occasions are no substitute for a real, loving relationship. If things aren't working, these kinds of gestures can become a crutch to help string a relationship along while avoiding the real issues. When that happens, date night becomes a toxic thing that isn't really helping anyone.

Secondly, it can put undue pressure on a strong marriage that just doesn't have time for sitting in a restaurant for hours. While getting away from the kids and home and the hundred other obligations and responsibilities on your shoulders will always be welcomed, it's not always possible or practical. Some married couples just don't have the time or resources for date night, and that's fine! 

However, when you let that seed of doubt in, when you start fixating on the idea that "we never go out anymore, and people keep telling me that's the key to a happy marriage” it can cause you to find fault where none exists. It can make otherwise strong partners feel like they're somehow not doing enough.

Don't get caught up in the hype. "Date night” is great advice in moderation, but it is by no means the end-all be-all of a marriage. Concentrate on being there for each other in the important, ongoing, and patient ways. 

Love each other every day - not just on date nights.